Compliments.
If you have to say something, don’t be creepy.
Something that I have been pondering recently is the use of compliments and comments, how we give them and the effects that they have on others.
A genuine compliment can lift your spirits and sometimes make your day.
Compliments however are not always wanted or appropriate, and judging when it is appropriate to give one can be an issue for some people. In the interests of not wanting to offend or appear creepy, the attitude of “if in doubt, say nothing” should be an approach taken by some people these days.
Being able to judge when it is appropriate to offer a genuine compliment as well as wording the compliment in such a way that it is not offensive or perhaps misunderstood, seems to be a skill lost on many.
Of course, there are valid issues around unwanted attention, and I am not advocating a return to the days when wolf whistles from a building site were common. I am sure that sort of behaviour still happens, and as a male, I am possibly unaware of the level of unwanted attention that women still have to endure. I only hope that as a society we have moved on from such displays of primal urges, although I fear that perhaps we have not and that these comments still exist albeit less overt.
I had heard anecdotally that on building sites, should a particularly attractive person walk by, instead of the unacceptable wolf-whistle, the comment “Can I borrow your hammer?” was site code for “heads up people, look at the view”. While this is perhaps an improvement, and less confronting for the person being ogled, the underlying behaviour is still objectifying and inappropriate. I hope that with an increasing number of females finding work in the construction sector, such behaviour is on the way out.
Occasionally, as part of my day job, I will visit a workshop on an industrial site, and there will be a girlie calendar on the wall. I am not offended by these any more than I am offended by a fireman calendar in a predominantly female environment, but I was under the impression that these had all but disappeared in today's aware world. What was once commonplace is now the exception and stands out more as they are seen so infrequently.
As a male, the art of paying a genuine compliment is fraught with the danger of accusations of inappropriate behaviour, and I imagine for a female, paying a compliment comes with the risk of being misinterpreted as sexual interest.
Social media is a minefield of suggestive remarks and inappropriate comments. I have lost count of the number of times someone posts a picture of themselves only to have a barrage of inappropriate comments hurled at them with requests for more extreme images, invitations to engage in intimate activity, or even descriptions of what the viewer will put where. Admittedly it is more common to be directed at women, but men are not immune from the unwarranted attention.
Just a heads up, the behaviour described in the preceding paragraph does not constitute a compliment. It is harassment. Unwanted and inappropriate.
There may be situations, such as role-play or within consensual arrangements, where such objectifying remarks are acceptable, but to make these comments to someone off the cuff is out of line.
Social media sometimes has the awkward propensity of over-familiarising us with each other. Just because someone follows your profile or you follow them back, doesn’t mean that you know them well enough to discuss how you would like to use their body to pleasure yourself.
Paying someone a genuine compliment in a non-threatening way can be a boost to their self-esteem, but an inappropriate compliment can make them feel vulnerable and ruin their day or even their week.
Compliments should be about the person's work, their contribution or perhaps their attitude, but rarely about their physical appearance. There are exceptions such as if someone you know has had their hair done, has lost weight or is wearing a new outfit, and only then should the comment be made in non-sexual terms. That dress looks nice or that outfit suits you is quite appropriate, anything more than that risks being inappropriate.
Speaking as a man who has lived with women for over 40 years, the one time a compliment is mandatory is when your partner comes home from a hair appointment. If you don’t compliment the new look, then don’t be surprised if the conversation is cooler than normal that evening.
Personal compliments may be fine if you know someone well, but you should never comment on the appearance of a stranger.
Many naturists instinctively know not to make comments about people's bodies, either negative or positive. Simply greeting someone with something as non-specific as you are looking well, is about as far as you should take it.
Having said that, I see many comments online, and let's be honest, mostly from men, that try to compliment others but cross the line into inappropriate and creepy.
Just because someone smiles at you in the street, says hello in passing or on social media, it is not an invitation to exchange body fluids. If they are that interested, they will let you know in other ways.
If you are at a naturist venue, and that includes online spaces, unless you are complimenting the work or contribution of a fellow naturist it is best advised not to say anything unless you know them very well.
Many men bemoan the lack of women in naturist spaces. Perhaps one of the contributing reasons that fewer women find naturism welcoming is due to the nature of some of the compliments they receive.
Not all compliments are compliments – Anon.
Thank you for reading, have a comfortable day.
Next Week:
Celebrity reaction.
Why are they treated differently?
Naturism/nudism/whatever has several third rails. This is one of them.
While it is not a universal truth, women feel more vulnerable naked. They have reproductive potential and men want it. To a textile, even a small patch of fabric is a form of armor. It says, "You can't have this unless I say so." A woman at a nudist venue, especially a newcomer, is likely to be hypersensitive without it.
***Do not complain that she shouldn't be. Accept that she is.***
My general rule is to pay compliments for accomplishments and not for appearance. If a woman has just done something outstanding, that's cool. "You ran a mile in 6 minutes. I couldn't do that on the best day of my life. I am impressed." OTOH, "You have a lovely smile." is creepy. I've seen it used so often it has become code for, "I want to compliment you for being sexually attractive but I can't say what I'm thinking."
Even on social media, you'll see where a photo of a nude guy might get a "like" while the same photo of a woman will get a "love" - usually a heart of some sort. See it a dozen times and it gets creepy.
If a woman has gone to some length to look attractive, I think that's fair game. You don't wear an expensive Dior gown or go for extensive body paint without wanting people to notice. But you are complimenting the gown and not the occupant. "That's a lovely gown!" is cool while "You're body is hot in that!" is creepy.
I suppose the smile compliment could be appropriate if she just announced she was back from the orthodontist. It is a variation of having just gotten back from the hair stylist. You do these things wanting to be noticed. Again, you are complimenting the results of the effort, not the body of the person.
Complimenting physical appearance is only acceptable if two people know each other well or if they BOTH understand they are in a courtship phase. I say "both" because you may think you are courting but she is not courting you. Unwelcome courtship is double creepy, even to me.
Most women will not respond to creepy behavior with, "That's creepy." They will avoid making a fuss, maybe even smile, say thank you, and then move away. And maybe never return to the club because they went there to *avoid* creepiness.
All the things I have are just the current zeitgeist. You will never go wrong if you follow these rules at a nudist resort or a nudist social media site.. If you move to a more sexually oriented group, different rules come into play. (Truth is that women know exactly how they look and you don't need to tell them.)
I hate the word "objectification" because no man I have ever met preferred to have sex with an object. Some men may prefer uncommitted sex but that isn't the same as treating someone as an object. Some women prefer it that way too. Lust is a very *human* activity.
Men and women (usually) respond differently to the same stimulus, so don't assume that because it would be okay by you it "ought to be" okay by another person. Since sexuality is primal, humans will never stop looking at potential partners and judging them according to sexual attractiveness. But right now the rules of the game are in flux.
This is pretty simple really.
Women who have been unmercifully objectified and felt socially obligated to meet certain standards of appearance, just want to been seen as a person.
I’ve had enough experiences of creepy male behaviour to understand what it feels like. Unsettling.
It isn’t even unsolicited compliments. It’s the lack of genuine engagement to know or understand somebody and actually relate to them as a fellow human.
Once a mutual level of trust and respect is established, then compliments are taken in a context that’s understood. What’s more, what is likely to be appropriate is clearly understood.